Story of an overthinker, extremely ambitious twisted girl (1/X)

Greetings Everyone, this story is very much unlike all the stories that you would have encountered. 

This is the part one of someone ridden with the illness called being twisted. She who was once a happy go lucky girl is now on the mission to finding herself again. 

Ever wondered how life is for a twisted girl? Someone who is broken into a million pieces on the inside but on the outside she hides herself. She is not perfect, everything she does either breaks apart or leaves her in pieces. She feels she is incapable of anything in life. This collection of short stories is how she feels and what goes on inside her twisted mind. A story of an overthinker, over ambitious, extremely twisted girl.

The main character of this series of day to day or monthly activities is 20 years of age, medium height , wheat color skin, eyes of fire , wave like hair till her shoulder and heart full of empathy yet broken.

Like most people in this world, I never get the feeling that I am going to get through with it or that I will win it or that I will definitely get that particular thing. I know when I feel, I get this nasty little pit in my stomach that always signals me that I am not going to get something. Some may call it a gut feeling and it is in this particular life that I always get gut feelings of failure. It’s funny how every topper knows when they are going to top an exam or every person knows when they are going to achieve something because of their hardwork. I know when I am going to fail and that is always. I give my 200 percent, but I lack the basic feedback mechanism of optimism for myself. I am pessimistic about achieving my goals and dreams because life has taught me otherwise. I am a jealous wannabe on the inside and a cheerleader on the outside. A million processes keep on going inside my brain , blasting neurons here and there, creating havoc and making me restless on the inside. I run high on my emotions but there are days when I am at my absolute low and I do not want to even see anyone. I am so crooked and disfigured on the inside like a million puzzle pieces fitted together all at the same time. Some say, it is good and some say that it is bad. In a few words short, “I am a failure”. Yes , that is absolutely true. I fail my dreams and goals, I work tirelessly and fail because of my negativity and yes I fail as a human being too. I seldom think how my life would be if I were not a failure. I am not the kind of failure who fails in exams but in achieving her dreams. I want to one day find the sun and fly high to achieve my dreams but the skies in my dreams are misaligned or broken. I fail in every target I set for myself and I end up becoming more and more broken on the inside. One might call this depression, I call them my scars of failure. I am a failure even at matters of the heart. Falling for someone who would never be mine but still dreaming about him and letting matters of heart take precedence over my body and mind. When my own two eyes can see that the guy is not for me, the heart tells otherwise. Unlike most people, I am someone of a “sensitive” heart which is my biggest flaw. I cry a lot, get emotional a lot and sometimes open up so much that my friends soon start hating me for it. I would like to pride on that I feel I have ruined my friendship with the people whom I am most close too, all because I am “sensitive”.

I am a failure, a no goody, depressed and sensitive in my own twisted away. I wear a smile on my face as my biggest charm and motivate people as I walk, because I am so very twisted and broken on the inside that I am at times the biggest motivator. Life has made me pause, stumble, cry and has given me shimmers of happiness but it has never given me the power to “untwist” myself. I walk around in this darkness hoping that one day I will achieve all my goals and dreams but it is not possible. The twisted me is so haphazard that sometimes I am the most positive person on earth and the wild thing about me is that I harness this positivity and imagine situations where I have achieved everything I set my mind too, all for it to crush right down. I am scared one day my own friends will hate me and I know in my gut that they will. That is how I know all these negative feelings last, they are always there. I work hard for something, I always end up not achieving it and someone who put 50% of the work always ends up living their dreams. I know that I wont achieve it and somehow still then I try hard for it and at the end never achieve it. I have always worked tirelessly to polish my persona but I always lag somewhere, either in making others happy or in making them realize that I am someone good. I feel dejected in life, I want to feel so happy that one day I am able to walk forward leaving behind my malignant past. I feel crushed and broken as I move along this lives pathway, there are many times that my twisted self feels my friends are not that close as they seems and that everything is an illusion about to go away. We surely had many memories together but because of my actions I feel I have pushed them out of my life. Because of my constant moodiness, irritable nature and a lot of needy nature. Especially when I run high on emotions, there come days when I get too emotional and start to shout at them or scold them. In my heart I know that I have failed everyone close to me but will my twisted self ever help me seek everything in life? Will it always push its leg forward and make me fall? Time waits for no one, it goes by without any remorse or guilt. I thought within time my twisted self would finally get hold of something that untangles me, that frees me.

Overthinking thoughts, self doubt and anxiety